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Don't Look Back

There's no going back because there is nothing to go back to.


The foundation on which I built my life was literally, like physically, removed. Sometimes the existence of the exterior makes it seem like going back is desirable and even possible. Although, upon closer inspection, the interior no longer exists. I am rebuilding. At times, it is mentally tiring. The illusion of what was and the romanticism of the past often creeps in. It becomes a mindful battle of believing the selective imagery at face value or choosing to interrogate why I feel anxious, and momentarily choose to escape in the past. Yes, the past can be comforting but it is limiting. Fixating on anything beyond now is not beneficial to breaking through the limits I have worn as band-aids to avoid truly feeling life's rawness. The future does not exist. Therefore, I have to constantly remind myself to not need or want to control it. 

MLT House Kloof Street
The office premises where I used to work


There is no going back. There is no normal. What we understand as "normal" is merely lifelong patterns your mind became accustomed to. These patterns we cling to so that we can perceive a reality we can react to. The mind is used to searching and finding templates from our past experiences so that it knows how to act and feel. But, as you can feel and search in your mind, there is no template for where we all currently find ourselves. We are forced to create from scratch. Having to do this can feel scary in a society where we are not stimulated to think for and beyond ourselves. What has helped me is going back to my inner child. The time when I was constantly learning and making sense of my environment by not knowing, doing, failing, and trying again. 

Collectively, we are rebuilding. I speak from what has been my experience. I am removing what no longer sustains, promotes and encourages my growth. I am attracting what is meant for me without any expectations and time constraints. I am manifesting, releasing, and resting. I have moments of enlightened clarity. Then there are the repetitive thoughts. Self-talk filled with both logical and spiritual reasoning has gotten me out of these limited-thought loops. Quarantine really has been about expanding my heart and mind. I am letting go of the self-imposed limits I used as a crutch to make sense of my world. There is so much coming my way. Beautiful things I dreamed of. Now, I am finally giving myself the opportunity to allow it to exist beyond my mind. But, it will not happen if my hands and mind are filled with ideas of what was and what I've convinced myself of what should've been. Letting go so that I can receive has been a big lesson as much as it has been a constant mental and emotional battle. This is where patience comforts and moves me. To simply be is a wonderful blessing. Dressed in patience and curiosity, my life is beginning to shed the old self and bring in the vast life I always knew I was capable of receiving and emitting. One thing I know, you got to keep on moving.

Day sumthing sumthing of Quarantine. 20/05/2020




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